Tuesday, January 11, 2011


so last january i wrote about 2009 and all that happened in 2009. makes sense. so right then i decided i would do the same thing every january. 2010's gonna be a little different...
so many things happened its crazy to think about i have changed so much throughout this year and i did a lot of crazy fun amazing things, but i honestly dont even feel like writing about anything good that happened last year because now my world is completely changed. in 2010 my best friend, my everything, my sister she gave up. shes dead, shes gone and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it even though all i think about is changing that one moment in time. i dont blame her at all for giving up she had a really hard life and it makes me so sad to think about all the shit she went through. she was the strongest most beautiful person ive known, and it sucks but her death is partly what made everyone realize that. i knew before that she was different, better, brighter than most people. she just had so much shit going on that covered up her greatness so only the people who really knew her could see. but now, now everybody knows and no one will ever forget. so this year in my stupid little new years blog all i want to express is how much i love my sister britnie, and the fun crazy memories i got to share with her!
we went to gay pride together. i loved it so much just seeing how happy she was and completely satisfied with being gay. when we marched in the dyke march she just pranced around and smiled loving every minute of it. and the best part was the night we went to the gay club! brit's the best dancer!! i loved every minute of it.
going to the cabin, getting drunk and brit being the biggest hardass. she tried to light a match in her mouth for some reason, thats where the big ol chin sore came from ha. then she punched out some windows of a cabin there was blood everywhere but she was fine. she thought she was so cool, and she was. eventhough we got in trouble for that evening, i dont care it was grand.
my 'going away party' funny shit.
when jaxon and brit had a competition to see who could win melody and britnie totally won :)
just all the crazy fun days and nights at kristy jane the beginning the middle and the end.
sort of camping in the gully with the weird homeless boy with the weiner dog.
sleeping over at jaydes eating kettlecorn and giant bowls of cereal! sitting outside on the porch everyone sleeping on the floor eventhough jaydes beds real nice.
i have so so many great memories with my sis! especially in 2010. she helped me so much this last year stood by me and supported me through a lot of hard things. she was always there for me whenever i needed her. we became even better friends this year and spent so much time with eachother, i love her so much! i cant believe i dont get to make more memories with her that 2010 is the last year i get to spend with her. we had so many plans so many things that we didnt get to do. i cant imagine life without her, not having her there for all the important things in life. she will be there though, but its obviously not the same. lifes going to be hard from now on but i will live for her, and be the best that i can be. i miss her so much already. i truely cant believe that shes gone.
2010. the best and worst year of my life. i love you brit :)
burt ya lurp.

Monday, December 6, 2010

britnie baby.

words cant even explain how i feel. most days i dont want to move. you were always there for me, i know you are still there but it will never be the same. i miss you so so much and i think about you ALL the time. you will always be in my heart beautiful sister. please help me get through this, its weird but i probably need you now more than i ever did. you're such a beautiful person, i wish you could have been all that you wanted to be when you were here, but i am also so happy that you are now happy. you were a very sad girl and nobody could even begin to understand how bad things were for you. this is so hard for me, i dont know how i am going to be able to move on from this. i keep things inside, you know this, and now its even worse. i dont want to speak. i dont want to move. i dont want to live. but thats the thing i have to live. i have to live and be wonderful for you. i know that is what you would want me to do. be the best that i can be, and i will sis dont worry, but it will take time. because right now all i can do is be sad and miss you. its getting a little better as time goes by, but its still so hard. i will never forget anything about you. how beautiful you were even though you were gettin chub :) how perfect you were at every stage of your life. when you were just a kid so innocent and stubborn. when you got a little older and were chub and peed the bed. then you got skinn and were such a girl, and damn were you pretty, you loved the boys then. when you became my gay britnie, and you started cutting your hair. and at the end when you were my burt :) your saggy pants and all. i loved you all your life no matter what you looked like or what you did, and i will love you forever. burt was my favorite. because that was you brit. YOU WERE THE INDIVIDUAL. you knew who you were and you didnt care what anyone thought about that. i have always envied you. i know you looked up to me, and i love that; but i looked up to you too (and i know you knew that). you never doubted me, even when i did. you were an example to me even though your my little sis. you were so big. so smart and loving. i will go on living my life, but you will always be by my side; you will be my favorite sister always. i cant imagine a life without you, that may be selfish but i want you back so bad. thankyou so much for being the amazing girl that you were. you helped so many people, especially me in your short life. if only we could have helped you.

i love you so much sister, more so much more than you know.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


i love her with all my heart and soul.